Oh my

Oh My Jokes

Man

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

  • 8
  • Woman

    A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

    After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

    She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

    To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

  • 5
  • Anal Sex

    My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

  • 3
  • Baby

    What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

    They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

    Chin

    Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?

  • 4
  • Toenail

    Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

    1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

    Doctor

    doctor: you need to eat healthy.

    me: no.

    doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

    me: oh my goodness.

    doctor: in a plane crash.

    me: that sounds unrelated.

    doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

    Nun

    A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

    The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

    The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

    Feminist

    A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"

  • 4
  • Pregnancy

    What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"

  • 0
  • Oven

    What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?

    “Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”

    Beach

    What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?

    "Oh my God, you're such a beach!"

    Wife

    "I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."

    "Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"

    "No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."

    Dog

    My crush: OMG, my dog just died!😭😭😭😭😭

    Me: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I am here for you!

    My crush: I have a boyfriend...🙄

    Me: Yeah well, I have a dog.

    Muffin

    Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!"

    The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"

  • 0
  • Sister

    "You have to do this," and my sister said, "Well, I don't care."

    And I said, "Well, you care enough to respond back, oh my gosh!"

    Child

    Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.

    A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...

    Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???

    Child: Both.

    Mama

    Your mama's so fat that she can’t even talk, even if Kevin says, "Oh my gosh!" 'cause she has a big ass mouth.

    Teacher

    A kid came from school. His mother said, "What did you do in school?" The boy replied, "I had sex with my teacher." She said, "OH MY GOD, GO TO YOUR ROOM, WAIT UNTIL YOUR DAD COMES!" He waited, then his dad walked in and said, "Your mother told me what you did. I'm proud of you, son. Let's go buy you a bicycle." When they arrived to the store, the dad said, "Try out and see which seat is the comfortable." The boy said, "I can't, my butt is sore." Dad said, "Why is your butt sore?" The Boy said, "Because I had sex with my teacher."

  • 1