my girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex and I said what's that, she said I fuck her ass, I said oh my uncle calls that shhhhh
What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"
oh my fat joke offended you which one of your chins did i hurt
Broke my toenail yesterday, I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:
1. "Yeah I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."
doctor: you need to eat healthy
me: no
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after i suggested it died
me: oh my goodness
doctor: in a plane crash
me: that sounds unrelated
doctor: i'm the one that crashed it. do not disobey me
Two men are in a rainforest and one of them is peeing. Suddenly a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “ Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!”. He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out. The man wen back to the other man and said, “ There is no hope, you will die.”
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says "oh my god your shoulders are broad!" another woman says "are you sure it's a woman?"
A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god my mom's gonna kill me!"
What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?
"oh my God, you're such a beach"
What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler? “Oh my god put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
“I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years.” “Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!” “No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him.”
My crush: OMG my dog just died!😭😭😭😭😭
Me: Oh my goodness I am so sorry I am here for you!
My crush: I have a boyfriend...🙄
Me: Yeah well I have a dog
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here". The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad oh my god
Your mama so fat that she can’t even talk even she Kevin say oh my gosh cause she has a big ass mouth
You have to do this and my sister said well I don't care and I said well you care enough to respond back oh my gosh.
Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.
A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old ladies house...
Oh my! Goodness sakes child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???
Child: Both
Woman gets pulled over by a cop Cop: ma'am have you been drink Lady: no officer Cop: what's that in your cup then ma'am Lady: just water officer Cop: looks like wine to me Lady: oh my god Jesus did it again
