Nuclear Jokes

Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split it blew them all away?

The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...

so Trump can't tweet it.

Everyone's always saying they're so worried about America's big button, the one that controls all the nuclear power. I'm not worried about that...I'm worried about the idiot on the end of it.

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals. In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky. The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud"

Your hairline is so far gone that it looks like someone dropped a nuclear bomb on it

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

what song did people in Hirosima listen to?

"here comes the sun"

What's The Difference Between A Nuclear Reactor And Your Step Sis? You Need To Use Protection For The Nuclear Reactor.

Why can't Sally swing?

Because she has no arms.

Knock knock, "Who's there?", not Sally.

Where did Sally go when the bombs dropped?

Everywhere.

Before: Caring & Noble

After: Chernobyl

Husband: Dammit alice! I'm your husband and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you! Wife: Go to hell Bob! I'm Leaving! Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

little Johnny is my son and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a burger king whopper to Moscow then take revenge for little Johnny!!!

What’s the difference between a life and nuclear bomb?

I don’t have a life.

A acronym for penis is Proton-enhanced nuclear induction spectroscopy. So just remember, the word nucular is part of a penis.

*In thick Russian accent Let's buy some vodka, pollute the earth with oil, and make insecure nuclear power plants that break all the time! Ah, yes. The mother land. A great place to be. Not like those stupid urkrainian people who are living happy lives, they are crazy and need to die.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? Oops

Russians think they are tuffer than Americans. Here are some reasons for the Russians out here reading this

1 USA was NEVER invaded 2 USA never commits as many war crimes as Russia does! 3 USA made the first nuclear weapon so yeah shove that up your ass Russians 4 Our soldiers don’t rape kids 5 we have more Allie’s than you 6 we are smaller but stronger 7 Random civilians in the USA have stronger guns than Russian military does!