Not jokes
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
If Trump was an orphan, I know he would know not to build a wall because he was in one most of his life.
In the Middle Ages it was illegal for a blind man to become a king.
I mean, I don't see why not.
You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)
Why did the orphan not play baseball? Because he couldn't find home.
Roses are red, Your blood is too. You look like a monkey and belong in a zoo.
Do not worry, I will be there too, Not in a cage but laughing at you!
9/11 happened... right?
The cops respond to 9-1-1... coincidence, I think not.
One night my brother asked me, "Am I a pro gamer?" I said, "No, you're not a Pro-grammer."
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Cause she had no arms.
Knock knock? Who's there? Not Sally.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
What step did the DNA not take in his math equation?
He forgot to adenine!
A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:
"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"
Why do people keep saying, "Why did the toilet paper not cross?" Because it got stuck in the crack, because it got stuck in their crack.
MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.
DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.
MOM: No, you're not.
My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
After a surgery, a man claimed he couldn't feel his legs. I replied, "Of course not, I amputated your fucking arms!"
You: Did you get the new snoo subscription?
Other: What's snoo?
You: Not much, how 'bout you?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Stop making autism jokes, calling us "retards." It is not cool.
"Can you tie a knot?"
"I cannot."
"So you can knot?"
"No, I cannot knot."
"Not knot?"
"Who's there?"
"F... off!"