Next jokes
You were sad because your grandmother died.
The next day, you were washing your face, and you realize sadness made your face BLUE.
A guy and his girl just finished making love.
Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"
The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"
Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson has made a laudable, command decision to omit real firearms from his movie sets.
This being the case, he ought to produce, direct, and star in his next movie titled: “The Rubber Gun Squad!” 👌 😉
Two friends were hanging out with each other next to a tree.
Too bad only one was standing. :)
A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.
The next day, he could see only one color... black.
My dad died in 9/11, and that was the second worst thing that happened to me with a plane, next to Soul Plane.
Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.
A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...
Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???
Child: Both.
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You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
Ariana Grande was in the store, and when she put her groceries on the counter, she said, "Thank you, next!"
If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.
"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"
Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.
I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.
What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?
Next time I’m bringing all my friends.
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
The other day I went on a romantic cruise in Hawaii. Then I met my girl Zendaya on board. She was shaking her ass and playing with her penis. Then she asked me, "Hey, you wanna make love in the cabin?" I said, "Sure, sweet thang," gave me her number, kissed me on the cheek. Next day she woke up because it was a romantic nightmare.
How did I know where you would go next?
Oh, I felt it in my bones!
People should build orphanages next to graveyards so at least orphans can see their parents.
So I told an orphan to slap themselves until they are wanted. I came back the next day to see them slapping themselves. Then I stopped them and told them to punch themselves.
The next day I saw a dead orphan.
I was born and raised in Newcastle.
My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.