Newness jokes
A man bought a brand new iPhone but returned it, why?
The apple was already bitten.
Your mum is so stupid, she tried to take the crown off a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster so that she could become the new queen of England.
Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
What does a broken down vegetable say?
I need new wheels.
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
What did the atom say to the other atom?
"Did you see the new Tron movie?"
Your mama's so fat, scientists found a new planet called Heranus.
They have a new line of socks for paraplegics.
They are so comfortable they can't even feel them.
Why can't Sally swing?
Because she has no arms.
Knock knock, "Who's there?", not Sally.
Where did Sally go when the bombs dropped?
Everywhere.
I invented a new word today.
Plagiarism.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
Neither has he.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.
Why are New Yorkers so good at reading?
Some of them went through 100 stories in 10 seconds.