Worst Jokes Ever

ABBaS.

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"

The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."

I was going to tell you a joke about paper, but it was too TEAR-ABLE. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

I had a gold fish who could breakdance on the carpet.

For 20 seconds.

And only once... :(

I walked up to a cat and started to sing a song. The cat said, "HECK NO!" then ran off. I follow it while still singing "BABY COME HOME TO ME!!"

What do you call a stick with a string on the end of it?

A fishing pole.

I accidentally hit an orphan with my car, but I was not worried because he couldn’t tell his parents.

On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."

Go fuck yourself!

Where in hell is Lee Harvey Oswald now when we need him?

Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.

"We've invented the spade!"

"Oh wow, this is ground-breaking!"

What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?

A baby you cut one off each time.

Steven Hawking walks into a bar... no, I'm just kidding.

Two hats are next to each other. One hat says to the other, "Stay here, I'll go on ahead."

"Ya tryna run? Hop in the van."

Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

8 jelly tickles!

How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh?

Shipmate: Captain, there’s an iceberg and we need to steer around it right now!

Captain: My momma didn’t raise no pussy. Either that iceberg is gonna move or I am.