Orphan
Everybody is wondering what position Kenny will give his brother in their new company.
Probably top.
Kenny likes to be the bottom in every sexual encounter.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What's the difference between you and me?
I have a plan for this new year.
So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.
Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?
Well, if Stephen Hawking likes black holes so much, why did he call security when I put my hole on his face?
You heard of Spider-Man: No Way Home. Now get ready for:
Orphan: No Way Home.
My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.
I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.
Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."
Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.
Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?
I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.
No one goes in there without my permission!
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
I was lying on the bed the other night and my missus was playing with my cock, trying to get it to go hard. She asked me what's the matter? I said, "I just don't find women without hair very attractive."
My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."
I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."
My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.
I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
My Indian wife said last night if her fanny would taste like vindaloo curry, I said I've smelt your fucking armpits, you've got no chance.
What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?
My big green pedo machine.
I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!
