The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!
Aren't paraplegics just plegics who can fly?
What happens to emo kids when they go up?
They never come down.
I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.
Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.
What does a priest and a clown have in common?
They both make children cry.
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
What did all the humans say when all the pets left town?
A doggone catastrophe!
Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?
A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.
If you enter the bathroom as an American and leave the bathroom as an American, what are you in the bathroom?
A European.
Where did Kobe go after the helicopter crashed? Everywhere.
Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not Susie.
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.
Is your dad a magician?
Because he magically disappeared.
So you decide one day to ask your son if he wants to f**k, do you do it for 3 hours, then you realize how will I explain another pregnancy to my sterile husband?
Why is the Pentagon mad?
Because it didn't get two pizzas, but only one plane pizza.
Why is my plane delayed?
Because someone hit the Sears Tower.
I use to look up to my mom but I am 12 I now I look down
How do you think Julius Caesar killed his enemies?..
With a pair of Caesars! 😂😂👌
What's the difference between an orphan dying and a bag of groceries being dropped? While most agree that both are unfortunate, people actually care when they drop their groceries.
Roses are red, I hate snitches, You talk a lot of game for a guy with 3 inches.
