Need jokes

Yo mama's so fat, when she wants to take a bath, they need to make more H2O.

Your mum is so fat, she needs 3 different watches for 3 different time zones.

I don't need a punchline. Karens are the only joke I need.

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.

How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

You only need 1 nail to hang a painting!

Yo mama so fat that when she took a selfie, she needed two phones.

Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.

I guess they're whore-ible.

"You need to cease, all those fat cuz u obese."

When God made Chinese, he said, "DON'T LOOK!" and the Chinese said, "Why?"

And God replied, "You won't want to be fruitful and multiply if you saw where you are putting that thing."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

When God made White Man, he said, "NEVER SHUT YOUR EYES!" and the white man said, "Why?"

And God replied, "You need to keep an eye out for the Chinese, one day they will out number you."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

Then the white man said, "There is a white genocide!"

And the survivors of the Holocaust said, "All these Europeans killed each other, so a white genocide is accurate. White killed white."

Then the Chinese said, "Thank you, we take your land now."

And the Jews said, "But we are God's chosen people!"

And the Chinese said, "Yes, every time God show up you get bullied! You might want to worship someone else!"

And the Jews said, "Why are you Chinese so lucky, you can't even see, you blind!"

And the Chinese said, "Jesus say be in the world not of the world, so don't go looky looky at the world then."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

I heard you were looking for a stud...

I already have the STD; all I need is you.

The Emo kid was late to his flight, so he needed to cut to the chase.

The orphan wanted to go on a field trip, but he needed his parent's signature.

The Emo kid wanted to go on a field trip, but he needed his parent's signature.

I have an orphan joke.

But it needs parental guidance.

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

When Leicester City won the league in 2015/16, do you think there was a little lad in Africa running around with "Drinkwater" on his back, annoying the hell out of the locals?