Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?
Santa Claus!
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.
What is Satan's way to go to places? A helicopter.
A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"
Tom raises his mug and says, "Okay, get rid of my tea."
Genie: Poof!
Tom: It didn't work.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The w.
Iron Man: Where are you from?
Thor: Asgard.
Iron Man: Do you mean ass guard?
Yo momma is so ugly, Slenderman runs from her.
It's also why he has no eyes.
So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.
One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"
He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"
Teacher: *Reads mythological story about a cyclops*
Me: Does he have one eye cause he's from an incestual family in Alabama?
What do you call a man who offended an NFL player...
Odin Floyd.
Annabeth: "Percy, whaters up with you?"
Dracula was invited to a BBQ. He got stake.
Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.
Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.
What do you call a flying pig?
Fiction.
What does a "Smart Russian" and a "Unicorn" have in common?
Answer: Non-existence!
Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
Your mama is so fat, she sunk Atlantis even though it's in the ocean!
Why doesn't the witch wear panties?
To get a better grip on her broom stick!
How do you know Thor has your back?
He's an Asgardian (ass guardian).
Why are vampires always sick?
Because they are coffin.
