Myself Jokes

Son: “Mom, is there a thing called «friendship» between a man and a woman?”

Mother: “No Son, unless if he’s gay.”

Son: “So your friend is gay?”

Mother with herself: «How did he see me with michael omg if my husband discovered my cheating he will kill me»

Mother: “Mmm.. Yes.”

Father loudly: “YES!!!”

Mother: “What in the hell? Are you gay?”

Father with himself: «Am i an idiot why did i yell?! if she discovered I’m gay and her son was made by Paul’s semens she will kill me»

Father: “No what are saying? I’m just talking with myself.”

*A few hours later*

Mother: “I will go to visit my mother.”

Father: “Me too I will go to visit my mother.”

Son: “Not me too I will go to stud with my friends.”

The mother and the father goes to michael’s house and they found their son playing with Michael and Paul is recording them and saying: «that’s why I love you my actual son oh only if your mother knows».

*The End* :D

I didn’t eat breakfast because I’m starving myself.

I was watching T-Series and I thought to myself, "Man, this sucks!" My sister watches James Charles, and he always says, "That's T-Series." So is it him? SUB TO PEWDIEPIE! UNSUB TO T-SERIES! THEY SUCK!

What does the cannibal say when he jumps into the pool?

CANNONBALL! P.S. I made this myself.

"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."

"Sing in music lesson"

"I want to die, I want to die, I want to choke myself, break my neck and die."

Random person: Minecraft is actually more peaceful than real life.

Me: Well, screw life. Maybe if I light a fire on myself, I will go to Minecraft (my excuse for suicide).

When I found out that 10 billion bowls of soup are consumed each year in AMERICA, I thought to myself, "I thought soup was healthy. Apparently not!"

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

I think I might apply for a job cleaning mirrors.

It’s a job I can see myself doing.

What did the man say when he knocked down the bookshelf?

Looks like I've only got myself to blame...

Why were the Indians telling the others to chop off their noses when they got close to 12 inches?

Because then it would be a foot. LOL! I may have peed myself.

I made this one up myself just now.

Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.

I'm running out of degrees? I guess I better throw myself in fire to raise my internal temperature (measured in degrees).

A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."

There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."

There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."

There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."

Then it all happened.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish came up and caught the fly.

The bear came out and caught the fish.

The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.

The mouse went for the sandwich.

The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.

The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

Why did the liberal cross the road?

(Ah, fuck this shit, I'm gonna kill myself!)

I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

Remember the big forehead kid who said, "Give me a knife, I'm going to kill myself" because of being bullied?

His head was too big to even exist, and that's why he's dead.