Myself jokes

I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.

This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

What is my most popular side of myself?

Suicide.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, I turned myself around.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

I sexually identify as kilometers per second.

Cuz I really wanna km/s (kill myself).

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

I was watching T-Series and I thought to myself, "Man, this sucks!" My sister watches James Charles, and he always says, "That's T-Series." So is it him? SUB TO PEWDIEPIE! UNSUB TO T-SERIES! THEY SUCK!

I love myself.

When I found out that 10 billion bowls of soup are consumed each year in AMERICA, I thought to myself, "I thought soup was healthy. Apparently not!"

I saw a dwarf scaling down a prison wall. I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

I wish I was a policeman, 'cause then I would actually have a gun to shoot myself with.

Me, myself, and I.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"