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How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause it's still dark in my basement.

I asked my friend if they wanted to hear a joke about sodium, and they said, "Na."

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said,

"Why the heck were my children jumping on a bed?"

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

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    • My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.

    What did the fish say to the other fish?

    "I want my life to be H2O-ver!"

    I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!

    My grandpa asked me to pass him his phone, but I passed him a calculator. He couldn't tell the difference.

    My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.

    The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...

    I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week. I guess you could say it was a brief case.

    Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

    My name is Bob, and I am a cow.

    My grandfather was a knight, and his name was Sir Loin.

    So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

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