My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.
My Jokes
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef......haha.....no one likes my jokes.
My dad called me as I said I shit in my sister's mouth. Impossible? Nope.
Why did the mushroom kill himself?
Because he had a mushy life.
My peepee small.
Roses are red.
My soul is black.
I am never getting my dad back.
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
A guy cut me in the lunch line. After that, a rock was thrown at him by my friend.
Three men were in a desert. One man was holding a jug, the 2nd was holding a paper bag, and the last was holding a car door. A man came around and asked the 1st why he had a jug. He said it was his water and if he got thirsty, he would take a drink.
Then he asked the second why do you have a paper bag? The guy said this is my packed lunch, so if I get hungry, I will eat my lunch.
Then he asked the last man why he has a car door and he said if he got hot he would roll down the window.
I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
Daughter: Dad, why did Mom do best?
Dad: Nothing, except pretend to love us and leave.
Daughter: So she only loves my sister?
Dad: Yep.
In fright, I saw my faceless soul! Never imagined it could run that fast!
I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
My version of the Roses are Red Poem in MW3:
I thought Soap could trust you. And so did I too. So WHY IN BLOODY HELL DOES MAKAROV KNOW YOU?!
My favorite toast for parties:
May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"
I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."
Me: What's yellow and can't swim?
My sister: What??
Me: A school bus filled with kids.
I'll remember my last words... "Sorry, I'm not sorry!"
