Murder jokes
Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?
The recoil.
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
If you hit a child, that's child abuse.
If you hit a family member, that's abuse.
If you kill either, it's murder for some reason.
If it's a whole family, it's genocide for another reason.
If you kill someone, that's murder.
If you kill a family member, that's still murder.
If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."
When a woman decides to abort, it is called a decision, but when I run my truck into a playground of kids, it is called murder.
How do you get away with murder?
I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.
Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."
Man: I'm here for the job interview.
Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.
Man: Just anywhere?
Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?
Man: Yeah, that's me.
(Shakes hands and sits back down)
Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?
Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.
Employer: I like you already, you're hired!
Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!
Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.
Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?
Employer: No.
Man: This... This is a photography job, right?
Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.
Why did the orphan become a killer?
Because he knew they would not look for him.
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group.
I suspected that it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.
Why would an orphan kill his family? Because they weren't there.
Q: Name a murderer?
A: Jews: Hitler. Russians: Stalin. Chinese: Mao. Americans: Bin Laden. Aborted fetus: My mom.
Q: Name a murderer?
Aborted fetus: My mum.
What do the Twin Towers and murder victims have in common?
Both were owned by their own kind.
Why did the orphan commit mass murder?
To be on top of the wanted list.
What does a lawyer defending a killer and a password have in common? They're case sensitive.
What's the difference between genocide and mass murder?
Genocide is racist.