Morbid Jokes

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.

How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?

You give them a Sandy Hook.

What do you call a mariachi band sinking in Mayonnaise?

Cinco De Mayo.

What do Jim Kelly and Dick Cheney have in common?

They both make terrible hunters.

What's worse than a bag of dead babies? One at the bottom is still wriggling.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

I love going to Hooters and looking at the menu... If you know what I mean;)

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I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”