Morbid jokes
Last week I found out my toaster is waterproof.
Q: What did one snake say to the other?
A: Nothing because they are both dead.
First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"
HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"
I like my women like I like my chocolate.
Edible.
I was going to an expensive dinner with my friend's girlfriend because she really wanted to go, but he just got out of surgery, and he said take care of her, so I said, "Will do, bro. I’ll bring her back fuller than a topped-up water bottle."
What did the pimp order at the Chinese restaurant?
He ordered some cock-bang-ho.
What is the difference between eating a baby and a doughnut?
Babies are healthier.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
What's worse than five babies stapled to one tree?
One baby stapled to five trees.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
Go punch an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"
I like my women how I like my cigars: 7 years old and coming from Cuban in a burlap sack.
Why was the broom late? Because it had overslept.
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."
What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?
My dick.
Someone kills an emotionally weak person by hard words and bullying.
No one will suspect the killer was anyone who took part.
What’s red and goes 100 miles per hour?
Babies in a blender.
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar, just kidding.
I was always told I’m too small to ride, but every girl I’ve been with rated me a 9.5.