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Morbid jokes

Morbid jokes

I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.

If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

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    • When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

    "All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

    Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.

    Me: What? Am I dying?

    Doctor: No, your wife is.

    Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

    I keep it in a jar on my desk.

    Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?

    It can't hit home.

    I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

    Why wasn't the infant's entire body found?

    Because the limbs are scattered around 43°17.7355’N, 113°58.4205’W.

    Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."

    Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

    A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

    The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

    I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

    Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW

    Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?