Morbid jokes
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don't break girls' hearts. Break their legs instead. They're two.
What’s the difference between jail and my basement?
Some people are let out of jail.
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.
How do you take care of all the babies you just crushed with your car?
Open a pizza shop 🍕
These jokes are so dark that their life matters.
What is the difference between a puppy and a fork?
I don’t microwave forks.
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
Why did everyone run from the Mexican when he went to the snack bar?
He said "¡Hola snack bar!" ¡Hola means hello in Spanish.
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
When an orphan takes a selfie, it's a family photo.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.
I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.