Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW
Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?
Everywhere.
What should you never say to a Japanese person? "You're da bomb!"
Why did Mary have a little lamb? Because a big one was too much in bed.
I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.
A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"
The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."
The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.
If you kill someone, that's murder.
If you kill a family member, that's still murder.
If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."
I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.
They never got together at all.
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.
The Titanic before the iceberg be like: "We can't go under it, we gotta go through it!"
What makes a cult and a racist family of 5 common?
Not all are friends.
Tell me morbid jokes in comments so I have some jokes for my friend.
Do you want to hear a dark joke? Let me turn the lights off.
What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coughin'?"
Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.
Guy: I don't, I see your mom.
