Morbid jokes
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
Why did everyone run from the Mexican when he went to the snack bar?
He said "¡Hola snack bar!" ¡Hola means hello in Spanish.
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
When an orphan takes a selfie, it's a family photo.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.
I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.
I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?
It can't hit home.
I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"
Why wasn't the infant's entire body found?
Because the limbs are scattered around 43°17.7355’N, 113°58.4205’W.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW