Money jokes
If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.
The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.
Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."
Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"
Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.
There's a white guy, black guy, and Santa Claus. They get a hotel room.
White guy goes in room first and sees money on the table and he picks it up. A ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off your weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Black guy goes in the room, sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Santa Claus goes in the room sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." Santa Claus looks at the ghost and says "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, you touch my dick I'll kick your ass!"
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.
What did The Notorious B.I.G. say to the cow?
- MOO MONEY MOO PROBLEMS
Why do emo people go to the store with no money?
Because they just scan their bar code and get everything free.
Why do orphans like Monopoly?
To cry about the money they can’t earn in real life.
Why did the skeleton not rob the bank? He did not have the guts!
Why do elephants never get rich?
Because they work for peanuts!
To be brutally honest, I think his wife let him die for money, because they could just plug him back in. Surely they have an Android cable about?
Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.
Why did the rapper go to the bank?
To make some DEPOSITS of RHYMES.
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
If brains were taxed, Slade would get a rebate.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
If an orphan wins the lottery, what do they have to use all of it on?
Years of child support!
If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have 2 dollars and a bunch of counterfeits.
You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.