Mom jokes

Mom, I’m pregnant.

Are you drunk? Why? Because you’re boy.

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

Your mom shat you out after having Taco Bell. That’s why she calls you a little shat.

My mom walks in a bar and the bartender says "water?" saying "we only sell beer!"

Last night I had a dream of lead, but your mom won't let me tell you.

You wonder and you wonder. Grandma said you better go to bed now. Tell your dad and grandpa, and your dad and your mom.

These cannibal kids come running into the cave and ask their mom what's for dinner? She says, "Dad's gonna grill wieners!"

My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.

So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home.

He'll probably leave her alone now.

He doesn't eat vegetables.

Your mom is gay, just like your dad.

Your mom is fat, and that's a joke.

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

Your dad is your mom.

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

My girlfriend's last words:

"I can’t wait to become a mom!"

A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"

The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"

The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."

The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"

The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"

Your mom, bro! XD Roasted! Lmfaoooooooooo!

Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.

Evan, me and your mom are done with you.