Your mom has a bone to pick with me.
I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?
I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.
I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.
Your mom is so fat she won't be in a coffin when she dies. She won't fit in it.
Kid: Are you gay?
Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?
Transparent.
Your dick is so small it's the size of a tic tac. Oh, that's why your mom's breath was so fresh last night.
A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."
What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?
A quack head!
My mom must be a duck then...
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
Q: What do you call a tsunami?
A: Your mom's water breaking.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
Mom: Hey, there's IHOP.
Kid: You hop to.
Your mom's just like a penny. Practically worthless, and in everyone's pants.
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.
What is it called if your mom does not make it to your birth?...
An abortion.
Why are mountains so cold?? Your mom lol.
Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.
Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?
Me: Aren't you my son?
Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.
Today I explain what things are fake: serial killers, clowns, Billy, fairies, your life, God, Jesus, your mom, and all your crappy fan-fictions about being saved from your even crappier life.
I'm also gonna explain real stuff: YouTube, your dad, scientists, teachers, God, Jesus, and Billy.
Stuff on both is real and fake depending on who you are. Your life IS fake. A lot of idiots will read this.
Santa said my mom was good... But she is on the naughty list.
