Miscellaneous jokes
And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol, but if I were you, I wouldn’t kiss your mom on the mouth at all.
There was a dino at the library today.
It was reading a thesaurus.
There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”
The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”
What's black, long and full of seamen?
A submarine.
My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."
Robert Smith walks into a hospital. The nurse says, "We have the cure!"
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore is locked, that is why I knocked.
I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.
Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.
Just watched an upsetting video. Please retweet. #Stop The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Me: No one likes Shrek; he is just a fat green guy.
Friend: Hey! Stop talking about me.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Q: What did Darth Vader say to his smashed wristwatch?
A: I find your lack of face disturbing.
He huffed and he puffed, but instead of blowing the house, he choked it down with his mom.
RAID HIM https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZEAEVyTsAdnjawrdCkDu-A/videos
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it, and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
I was trying to make a joke about fighting, but I couldn't come up with a good punchline.
Friend: Do you know him?
Other Friend: Know who?
Friend: My dick!
You suck.
What's the best part about beating up an orphan?
They can't tell their parents.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
The 9/11 victims, they went through 700 stories in 10 seconds.