Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
I wish my lawn was emo so I would not have to cut it would cut itself
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts.
Why did sally cross the road? She didn’t wear her seatbelt
you suck
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
I'mma flip this coin, if it lands on heads, tuh, you gotta give me head, if it lands on tails then you gotta give me the booty, so lets give this a try *flips coin* OOP! Would ya look at that, it landed on both, ESSKETIT!
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?" Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.
What animal gets easily offended? The chicken; they always get roasted.
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.
When you're playing online with your friend, then you hear a kid scream: "No, Dad, please stop!" Scream ends with a gunshot.
Why did the Mafia cross the road?
Forget about it...
What do you call a Krispy Kreme Dounut combined with a Big Mac from McDonalds? A Krispy Kreme Mac.
What is Julius Caesar’s favorite food?
Roman noodles.
I fucked a chick named Macy, but she had dyslexia.
So I ended up doing the YMCA.
The reason I'm gay is because I'm scared of getting cooties.
Read this word:
Heroine.
Did you read it like the drug or like a female superhero?
What do you call mo on a dating website? tissue face
Knock knock. ̈whos there ̈ P,u! ̈p,u who ̈ p,u you smell like shit
