Mind jokes
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
I can tell you a pun about a pencil, oh! Never mind, it’s pointless.
How does Helen Keller say "dad?"
I don’t know, but you should ask her... wait, never mind, she can’t talk.
What's the difference between a UKIP voter and a shopping trolley?
Some shopping trolleys have minds of their own.
Let me tell you a joke about pizza!
Never mind...
It's too cheesy.
Have you heard the latest pun about pizza?
Never mind. It’s too cheesy!
Q: Get up for a chair joke!
A: Oh, never mind, you can sit down.
I wish Stephen Hawking could've just walked—oh wait, never mind.
What was the last thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
Lololol get it? They fell from like 100 feet.
Stephen Hawking is so lucky to go to heaven.
Oh never mind, here comes the stairway.
So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."
Is depression an emotion or a state of mind? I call it a lifestyle.
Want to hear a joke about a guy losing fingers?
Never mind, it’s too pointless.
Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.
What do you call a broken pencil? Never mind, it's pointless!
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
Do you want to hear a paper joke?
Never mind, it is tearable.
What was the last thing to go through the terrorist's mind? The detonator.
What did Santa use as a candy cane?
Wait, wait, I said it wrong.
Okay.
What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.