New Mind Jokes - Page 10 - Worst Jokes Ever

JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.

Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry, everyone. I punched the wrong buttons, and we are heading to DC instead of New York, and we are about to run out of fuel." He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.

Donald faced the other four and orders:

"I'm the greatest leader of the world, and I'll make the decision. Tony, you go first. Our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging."

Tony jumps off.

"Francis, my friend, you go next. Pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me."

Francis jumps off.

Hillary faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history."

Hillary jumps off.

Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children, just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and..."

Greta interjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"

Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?

They both had an open mind.

My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

I can tell you a pun about a pencil, oh! Never mind, it’s pointless.

How does Helen Keller say "dad?"

I don’t know, but you should ask her... wait, never mind, she can’t talk.

What's the difference between a UKIP voter and a shopping trolley?

Some shopping trolleys have minds of their own.

Let me tell you a joke about pizza!

Never mind...

It's too cheesy.

Have you heard the latest pun about pizza?

Never mind. It’s too cheesy!

Q: Get up for a chair joke!

A: Oh, never mind, you can sit down.

I wish Stephen Hawking could've just walked—oh wait, never mind.

What was the last thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles.

Lololol get it? They fell from like 100 feet.

Stephen Hawking is so lucky to go to heaven.

Oh never mind, here comes the stairway.

So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."

Is depression an emotion or a state of mind? I call it a lifestyle.

Want to hear a joke about a guy losing fingers?

Never mind, it’s too pointless.

Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.