Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it’s not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.

When the chair was invented, the inventor’s friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: ‘You might want to sit down for this.’

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friends pen, in the end he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chickens life

Guy 1:"Tell me a bad pun" Guy 2: "Alright What’s the difference between a tuna fish, a piano and a tube of glue" Guy 1: "Ok that last one was random as heck what is the difference" Guy 2: " you can tuna a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna" Guy 1: "Ok where does the glue come in" Guy 2: “Ah i knew you’d get stuck on that”

you might be

Your career might be in the north but its going south :)

If you’re gonna razor yourself you might as well have shaving cream.

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

Whats the point of hiding the screaming speedbump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming B:Make it look like an actually speed bump and C:… You think its Hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

What is a pirates favorite letter … you might think it’s the R but it’s actually the C.

my friend; yo stupid me; is that right and what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you einstien My friend; rolls eyes and says whatever me; keep on rolling them you might find your brain in there

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an “L” on her forehead

Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do, so much to see So what’s wrong with taking the back streets? You’ll never know if you don’t go You’ll never shine if you don’t glow

[Chorus:] Hey, now, you’re an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you’re a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold

It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder You’re bundled up now wait 'til you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim My world’s on fire. How about yours? That’s the way I like it and I’ll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas I need to get myself away from this place I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change

Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do, so much to see So what’s wrong with taking the back streets? You’ll never know if you don’t go You’ll never shine if you don’t glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold

Why don’t you shower with a pokemon? He might pikachu.

People might not laugh to my jokes, or have a reaction at all, But I’d explode with euphoria. Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.

(Jokes for people with cancer) 1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don’t have to do this class anymore. 2: I’m dying, finally. 3: I’m sorry, I can’t go to your party because I’m expected to be dead by then. On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I’m getting checks. I hope for the best :/.

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the prom, because he had no BODY to go with… i could have said a skeleTON more jokes… but i think that might brake your funny bone

my girl is so cute when she sleeps I watch her all the time……………….tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time

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