Many jokes

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

How many white police officers does it take to push an African-American gentleman down the stairs?

Push?! He fell...

How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.

How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.

How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?

4!

One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"

when is rape wrong on so many levels?

inside a lift.

What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?

He became spotless!!!

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

How many babies does it take to light up a basement?

I don't know, my basement is still dark.

Little Johnny was in class, and his teacher asked, "How many of you guys are Trump fans?" Since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands, well, except Little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "Why are you being different again, Johnny?" So Little Johnny says, "Well, because I'm a Democrat. My mom is a Democrat, and my dad is a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat!" So then the teacher responds with, "Well, what if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Well, Little Johnny says, "A Trump fan!"

How many orphans does it take to screw a light bulb in there house?

None because they don't have a home.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than three because the basement is still dark!

How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!

Why doesn't anyone play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."

Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?

All the exit signs were in English.