Love

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Daughter: Dad, why did Mom do best?

Dad: Nothing, except pretend to love us and leave.

Daughter: So she only loves my sister?

Dad: Yep.

Who did Stephen Hawking love more than anyone else?

His wife, "Eye," who was also bad at running.

A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"

Man: Could you hold this for me?

Kid: Ok mister! I love playing with a pew pew! Pow! Pew! Pew! Bang! *GUNSHOT*

Man: Dammit, now who am I gonna put in the van?!

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued; your blood was delectable, and so was the rest of you.

I love to play catch with my dad! He's never there to catch the ball, though.

Me and my mom order Chinese food.

My mom grabs the egg roll and starts licking it up and down and sucking on it in front of the Chinese delivery guy. I said, "Why are you doing that?" Then my mom says, "I love him a long time so we don't have to pay for the food."

The one thing I love about Steven is he stood up for all of his haters. Just kidding!