Lot jokes
Q: I'm a famous athlete and I've got a lot of fans.
A: Is that why I never see you sweat?
My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."
You know that feeling when you're going through a school parking lot and go over a speed bump, then you realize that there are no speed bumps?
Bird on the beach: seagull.
Bird by the bay: bagel.
Bird down south Philly Walmart parking lot: illegal.
Vaginas are like onions. They have lots of layers to get through.
Dark humor is a lot like food.
Not everyone gets it.
I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."
Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for my education.
They were both druids.
How do rappers like their steaks?
With lots of SIZZLE!
Why does the owl 🦉 have a lot of friends?
Because he’s a hoot.
Why was the rapper always calm?
Because he had a lot of chill flows.
What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a platypus? I lick a lot of pussy.
They don’t have to invest a lot into the Stephen Hawking wax statue, though.
Bobby had 54 dicks (54).
He took 33 pills a month (5433).
Once he ran out of pills, he was left with 45 dicks (543345).
(Flip the calculator once you got the full number. 543345! He's got a lot!
My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.
I went to a handicapped comedy club, but all the jokes they told were special, and they didn't know a lot about stand-up at all.
I went on a dating site looking for arsonists.
I found a lot of matches.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I finally had to take his bike away.
Uranus has a lot of poop. Yeah. That is my joke.
If I had a dime for everytime the Australian president shat himself in a McDonald's, I would have one dime, which is not a lot, but it's weird that it happened.