Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."
Me: "Why did you?"
Mom: "I was very drunk..."
Explains a lot...
Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
The Twin Towers and genders have a lot in common. There used to be two, and now it's just a touchy subject.
There is a lot of difference between a man and a woman saying, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie."
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
For boys, life is a lot like a penis: simple, soft, straight, relaxed, and hanging freely......... then a woman makes it really hard.😩😉😏
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.
Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch!
"Hey guys, I'm a new jokester, remember my name as I'll be making a lot more!!! P.S. They will be much better than this one!"
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!
Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.
Are you a pirate? Because I have a lot of seamen waiting for you 😉
The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.
It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.
My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"
Why do orphans play a lot of tennis?
Cause that's the only way they get love.
My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.
I always hit on 16, then get busted.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss!
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards?
Yeah, they're pretty holey.
