Lot Jokes

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.

"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"

"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."

Few jokes (sorry if they have already been used).

1 I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2 Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he always has a great fall.

3 Have you heard the one about the skunk? Never mind, it really stinks.

4 It's always windy in a sports arena. All those fans.

5 What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!

6 Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type here."

7 What's the easiest way to get straight As? Use a ruler.

8 Why were they called the Dark Ages? Because there were lots of knights.

Why do midgets need a lot of books at school?

So they can reach the top of the desk.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered, "Y?"

Vaginas are like onions. They have lots of layers to get through.

Do you ever get that feeling where you're just going through a school parking lot, then you realize that there are no parking lots?

Yesterday I had a party in my basement.

I got questioned a lot about 5 dead kids in the corner shut in a box. I did that when I was 13, damn I forgot about them!

When a man sleeps with a lot of women, he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on anxiety.

She replied with, "Won't you worry a lot about returning it late?"

What do us emos all have in common?

Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."

They don’t have to invest a lot into the Stephen Hawking wax statue, though.

You were born on the freeway, you know why?

Because that's where a lot of accidents happen. 😈

I tried my best to think of some puns, but I'm gonna have tibia honest: I don't have any puns left, but I'm pretty sternum, so I'll think of a few puns here and there. It took a lot of spine to do this.

Why was the rapper always so confident?

Because he had a lot of rhyme and reason!

Why was the rapper always good at math?

Because he had a lot of FLOW CHARTS.

Why do people have a lot of money and they have to spend it on jewelry 24/7 all the time?

What do you call a guy that lies a lot?

The president.

One would think Dracula would have a lot of friends. Unfortunately, no one likes him. He is a pain in the neck.

Am I doing my work? Because typing this took lots of work.

What stands on the side of the road and needs a lot of money to buy?

Billboard, did you think I was gonna say street walker?