Look jokes
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"
Why doesn't The View have anyone on it who is trans? They just look like they are.
I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.
There are people weirder looking than me.
Like who?
Like people with Down syndrome.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they don’t know what a home looks like.
The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.
You look like a heroin addict in a women's refuge.
Your hairline is so far back that it looks like Putin's tanks steamrolled through.
Dog toys are getting out of control.
My mum's dog has a round bison bone.
Looks like he was chewing on Tracy Latimer's hip or something.
A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.
The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.
The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.
If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:
So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
I moved so much stone today.
I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.
Why don’t orphans play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
Roses are red. Sunflowers are yellow.
Your mom is so fat she looks like a marshmallow.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.
The fact that her breasts block the view is not her fault.
Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.
Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?
Because no one’s looking for them.
Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.