Like jokes
The Twin Towers are like crippled legs; once they break, they can’t be fixed.
How are corpses like pools?
Once you get in, it's only cold for like a minute.
What does an 80-year-old woman taste like?
Depends.
COVID is like fashion...
We started hearing about it in Italy...
Became popular in LA and NYC...
Florida ignored it...
And it was all made in China in the end.
Girls are like blackjack.
I always want 21 but end up hitting on 14.
Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.
*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*
Why does your grandma like gardening so much?
Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees.
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.
What is the number one song played in Columbine High? Smells Like Teen Spirit.
I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"
They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!
Your birth certificate is like an apology from the condom factory...
I heard oxygen and magnesium were dating, and I was like, "OMg!"
What do you call a dinosaur that likes subtraction?
A galiminus.
Yo mama so ugly, she looks like a green bean with googly eyes.
Yo mama so fat, she likes long, romantic walks to the refrigerator.
If I like having sex and get with 15 people, are they getting sexified?
How are orphans like broken pencils?
Neither of them have points.
It’s amazing just how paranoid Hitler was.
In Hitler’s Germany, it was illegal to make jokes about him or his regime.
Come on! Forbidding Germans from making jokes? Isn’t that a bit like forbidding Americans from eating salad?
When you tell an Asian kid it’s raining cats and dogs and he’s like, “Just open your mouth and close your eyes!”