Life jokes
Why can't orphans see their parents?
Because they don't have one!
What type of flower do you give an orphan?
A self-raising [flour].
Ask someone if they are a rhino. If they say yes, tell them "so you're horny." And if they reply yes again, block them from your life entirely.
Moment and I
Someone: "I got chickens out there vibin'."
Me: "What? Oh, you mean those over-sized chickens that just show an example of you in real life?"
Someone: . . .
I walked past an orphanage, the orphans started to call me names, and I said, "At least I have a family!"
If anyone's joke here says "burn in hell," I will mimic your account for the rest of your life.
I say these jokes are life saving material. Who's with me?
Why do orphans hate dad jokes? They never return.
Wanna hear a joke? Me.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Apples get picked.
Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.
Teacher: I’m gonna call your parents.
Orphan: Go on, see if they pick up.
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
(amazing pick up line) Yoo, what if we got matching tattoos? You get two towers and I get a plane, because I crashed right into your life!
My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”
I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!
I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"
I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"
[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.