Laughter jokes
What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.
What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?
You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.
Make this "joke" get 69 comments & 69 likes.
My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
Wanna hear a good joke?
My dad’s love for me.
I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?
If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"
One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."
A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"
"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"
I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.
The good thing about dead baby jokes is that they never get old.
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it was pointless!
When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.
What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.