New Last Will Jokes - Page 33

What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? "Smiles," because there is a mile between the first letter and the last.

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.

Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.

Your dick is so small it's the size of a tic tac. Oh, that's why your mom's breath was so fresh last night.

What's the last thing that went through Curt Cobain's mind?

His teeth.

I went scuba diving last year. It was fun, but at the end, I ran out of oxygen.

It was a breathtaking experience.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

The Windows XP log out sound.

Two boys are talking on the bus.

Boy 1: I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Boy 2: Hey, did you hear about that school shooting last week?

Boy 1: Oh, that's right.

I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"

I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.

Famous last words.

Twin towers: “Is it a bird, is it Superman? AAAAAHHHHHH SHHHHHIIIIIIIIIZZ!”

I remember my grandma's last words:

"What are you doing with that axe?"

When a lady gets married, what does she borrow?

She borrows her husband's last name.

The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.

What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?

The steering wheel.

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."