Labor jokes
What’s another name for a woman giving birth?
Unloading the dishwasher.
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
Where do short people disappear on the first of December?
Santa's Workshop.
How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.
Why should a feminist never be allowed to join the UAW United Auto Workers?
Because the only thing that a feminist will do in the UAW United Auto Workers, is eat pussy all day inside the women's restroom and she will only pay her membership dues, if she is allowed to eat pussy all day inside the women's restroom.
What's the difference between orphans and cotton?
Cotton gets picked.
What do you call an orphan at a construction site?
Child labor.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
What do a fat woman and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
"How does dry skin affect you at work?""You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it."
In fields of gold, where sunshine beams, Monkeys swing and play, it's their dreams. Their fur so soft, their eyes so bright, Picking cotton with delight.
Their little hands so quick and neat, Plucking the cotton, can't be beat. They chatter and laugh, they dance and play, In the fields all day, they'll stay.
Their tails so long, their ears so big, They're quite the sight, it's quite a gig. They're busy as can be, you see, In the fields of cotton, they're free.
So let us marvel at these little thieves, In the fields of gold, they give and receive. Their antics bring us joy and delight, In the fields of cotton, they're always right.
What do the initials UAW stand for?
United Awesome Whores.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
Women be like, "Equal rights, equal pay," then decide that they don't want to do labor intensive jobs.
Boss: Have a good day.
Me: *goes home*
I have many jokes about unemployed people, but sadly, none of them seemed to have worked.
How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.