New Labor Jokes

What do the initials UAW stand for?

United Awesome Whores.

I have some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

For the encore, we'd love to tell you a construction joke but... we're still working on it.

Q: What do a prostitute and a vacuum have in common?

A: If they stop sucking, you can smack them until they start again.

I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.

In fields of gold, where sunshine beams, Monkeys swing and play, it's their dreams. Their fur so soft, their eyes so bright, Picking cotton with delight.

Their little hands so quick and neat, Plucking the cotton, can't be beat. They chatter and laugh, they dance and play, In the fields all day, they'll stay.

Their tails so long, their ears so big, They're quite the sight, it's quite a gig. They're busy as can be, you see, In the fields of cotton, they're free.

So let us marvel at these little thieves, In the fields of gold, they give and receive. Their antics bring us joy and delight, In the fields of cotton, they're always right.

Me: September is here!

[Labor Day comes]

Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”

"How does dry skin affect you at work?""You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it."

How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.

What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?

One of them is an outside job.

Why should a feminist never be allowed to join the UAW United Auto Workers?

Because the only thing that a feminist will do in the UAW United Auto Workers, is eat pussy all day inside the women's restroom and she will only pay her membership dues, if she is allowed to eat pussy all day inside the women's restroom.

Why should a feminist never join the United Auto Workers, UAW?

Because the only thing that a feminist would do in the United Auto Workers, UAW is lick pussy all day in the woman's restroom.

A woman having labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.

“Those are just contractions.”

Boss: Have a good day.

Me: *goes home*

How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.

I got fired from the bowling ball factory for throwing out the ones that had holes in them.

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.