Kids jokes

I got my orphan kid a phone. She was pressing the home button, but it didn't work.

What do priests and doctors have in common?

They both do physicals on kids.

Me: I know why you don't have friends.

Kid: Why?

Me: Because you can't even figure that out.

Why wouldn’t Mrs. Grapes leave her children behind?

Because she loves raisin kids.

When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.

What does Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?

They're both turned on by kids.

Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!

New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

Students: "OOOF"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Your Parents."

- I think you're EGGcellent.

+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.

- Really? Are you done yet?.

+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.

Give a blind kid a gun and tell him it's a hair dryer.

I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer.

People keep telling me they hope Kenny never has kids.

I don't think that's a worry. His mom is much too old to get pregnant.

Disney just released a new film about a poor kid with cancer. It’s called Finding Chemo.

When the school shooter kills the teacher and the autistic kid declares communism

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

Kid starts shooting people in school, teacher asks “why are you doing that”. He responds, “I wanted to paint the walls red for Christmas”

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A pitbull dog coming back from the kids playground.

What do you call an autistic kid that’s good at art?

Artistic.

Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."

Nurse: *Laughs*

Kid: "Why are you laughing?"

Nurse: "When I get OLDER."

Proceeds to laugh.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.

It never gets old.