Kids jokes

One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.

Once I went to watch a match in Portugal. It was between Penaldo and his kids. The referee was Georgiana (his wife). Mpaypal and Igayspeed were also there. The match began, and his kids scored two goals in the first 10 minutes. Then, when the match was about to end, Penaldo got angry and asked his wife for penalties. His wife declined, and he tortured and beat her up and took 10 penalties (missed 7 of them) but won 3-2. Shame on you, Penaldo! 😡😡😡

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

I pushed a disabled kid in a fire, then called him "hot wheels."

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, and they come to a kid playing in a sandbox. The priest says, "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

When the school shooter is just about to leave your classroom, and you think you're in the clear, but the Down syndrome kid says, "Goodbye."

What has 50 legs but can't walk?

25 disabled children.

Warning, this is dark.

How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch? Give 'em a Sandy Hook.

I told kids to make a family tree. God, I love working at the orphanages.

What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

Neither can see their parents.

How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?

I ran over three disabled kids.

"Cripple kill."

I gave a blind kid a gun, telling him it was a hair drier.

I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.

In English class, the teacher says, "Kids, you need to say the alphabet. Okay, Sally, you first." Sally says, "Okay, a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z." The teacher says, "Good job, Sally." Then the teacher called on four other students who got it right. Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. The teacher says, "Little Johnny, say the alphabet." Little Johnny says, "b c e f g h i j k l m n o p s v w x y z." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, that's not right." Johnny says, "Oh, I forgot, u r a q t." The teacher says, "No, still not right, and thank you." Johnny says, "Oh, I’ll give you the d later." The class laughs and the teacher says, "Go to the office now."

It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.

So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.