Job jokes

I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!

My Grandpa killed 30 Air Force pilots in WW2. He was a very bad mechanic.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

You must work at McDonald's because you have a McDouble chin.

Boss: Have a good day.

Me: *goes home*

What do you call a Mexican without a lawnmower?

Unemployed.

I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.

He’s used to penetrating aggressively.

My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was a blow job.

Why did the rapper become a barber?

Because he loved to drop FRESH CUTS.

Why did the rapper become a gardener?

Because he wanted to drop some ROOT RHYMES.

Why did the rapper become a plumber?

Because he wanted to lay down some SICK PIPES!

I should probably stop making jokes about 9/11.

My dad died to it, he was a great pilot.

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Daughter: Hey Dad, can I use your car?

Dad: Sure, but first you have to give me a blow job."

Daughter: Okay, (proceeds to service dad). Dad, ewww, your dick tastes like shite!"

Dad: Oh, that's right, I lent your brother the car.

Literally the most popular job: YouTube.

My ex got hit by a bus yesterday. I nearly lost my job.

My dad died in 9/11.

He was a good pilot.

My dad was in 9/11, that's rude, and he was a great pilot.

The toothbrush says, "I have the worst job in the whole world."

The toilet paper behind him says, "Yeah, right."

I got fired for not doing enough work.

Guess I didn’t put enough backbone into it.