Job jokes

Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.

So one time, poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.

He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.

I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!

There was this intern that worked at an orphanage, and she burnt it down. Luckily, she doesn't have to tell her parents.

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

What is a bus driver that does not work? A useless one!

I'm thinking of getting a job as a gardener--pushing up the daisies!

My Grandpa killed 30 Air Force pilots in WW2. He was a very bad mechanic.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

You must work at McDonald's because you have a McDouble chin.

Boss: Have a good day.

Me: *goes home*

What do you call a Mexican without a lawnmower?

Unemployed.

I heard P. Diddy got a job as a defensive coordinator.

He’s used to penetrating aggressively.

My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was a blow job.

Why did the rapper become a barber?

Because he loved to drop FRESH CUTS.

Why did the rapper become a gardener?

Because he wanted to drop some ROOT RHYMES.

Why did the rapper become a plumber?

Because he wanted to lay down some SICK PIPES!

I should probably stop making jokes about 9/11.

My dad died to it, he was a great pilot.

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Daughter: Hey Dad, can I use your car?

Dad: Sure, but first you have to give me a blow job."

Daughter: Okay, (proceeds to service dad). Dad, ewww, your dick tastes like shite!"

Dad: Oh, that's right, I lent your brother the car.