it's jokes

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, it was more of a wrap.

How are abortion and rape different? At least the rape victim usually deserves it and isn't defenseless.

What is more fun than spinning a clown around on a clothes line at 100 miles an hour?

Stopping it with a pitchfork.

What do you call it when a gay guy farts?

An abortion.

Doctor: Tomorrow is like John Cena, you won’t see it.

I met a lewd nude in Bermuda

Who thought she was shrewd: I was shrewder;

She thought it quite crude

To be wooed in the nude;

I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.

Roses are red, violets are violet. I mean, come on, it's literally in the name!

For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.

Never talk about 9/11 to me. I lost my dad in it.

He was a great pilot ;(

I went home one day. My mom said, "Look what a few guys got me." It was a MILF trophy.

My mom asked what does that mean. So I said, "Mom's I'd Like To Fuck." Then my mom said, "These guys want to fuck me?" I said, "Yeah." Then my mom said, "I still got it!"

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

I have a saying. Whenever you find a sink, there's probably a dead baby inside it...

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Hey Hunter, Thomas here.

Why did the plane cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Thanks guys, remember to like it, means a lot!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

I bought a sweater and it started building up static electricity.

So I got another one free of charge.

What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (It’s my first one, lol)

When you try to close a Google ad because it was covering content, but it was covered by "Ad closed by Google."

Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.

Wow, Gwen even said she loves TJ! She just did!

Prince, look at it. You are going to be crushed. It is in bored jokes and it has 65 comments, look there!