it's jokes
The past, the present, and the future were having an argument. It was tense.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.
Yo mama is so fat, it took Nationwide 15 years to get on her side.
When it comes to recycling toilet paper, you really need to process the crap out of it.
Q: What is green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A: A pool table.
You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.
Why was it cold in Stephen Hawking's house?
Because he had a new window open...
Q: Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
A: It did not want to get stuck in a crack.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
Stephen Hawking tried comedy.
His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."
I forgot my lucky egg! It always gives me an eggcellent amount of luck!
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.
One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
The reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy; it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.
A new burger has been invented in memory of Stephen Hawking.
I doubt it will sell though, as it's 95% cabbage.
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.