IT jokes

Two lesbians adopted a cat. That night, the cat ran away. Why?

Because it heard one say, "I'm gonna eat that pussy."

I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal was a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

One day the teacher said, "There are 3 birds on a wire, a shooter shoots one. How many are left?" The teacher calls on lil Johnny. "None," the teacher said, "no but try again." Lil Johnny says, "None, because if you shoot one the rest get scared and leave." The teacher said, "Not quite, but I like the way you think."

Lil Johnny then says, "Alright teacher, I have one for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench, one's sucking it, the other is licking it, and the last one is biting it. Which one is married?" The teacher then says, "The one sucking it, of course!" Lil Johnny then says, "No, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think!"

How is the business in Ukraine? It's booming.

I turned off all the beeping machines in the hospital. I love the peace and quiet, but I don't know why everyone is sleeping cause it's only 8 am.

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

What's the difference between a shooter and a bullied autistic kid? It depends on who's shooting.

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No," said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough," his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself."

On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."

I made a video game about a depressed, self-harming goth.

It's mostly unskippable cutscenes though... :/

Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

Bf: What do you think about our love?

Gf: Count the stars in the sky.

Bf: Aww, it's infinity.

Gf: Nope, just a waste of time.

Q. How does a girl from Alabama know when her mom is on the rag?

A. She can taste it on her brother's cock.

I asked my North Korean friend, "what's it like to live in North Korea?" He responded, "can't complain."

Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has its pros and Khans.

A blind man had an argument with a man in a wheelchair. The man in a wheelchair made fun of him saying, "look, there's a spider." The blind man simply said, "Step on it."