IT jokes

Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked into the classroom.

The teacher asked them, "Why are you arguing?"

One of the boys replied, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?

Half of the class: *raises hand*

Teacher: ...

The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It picks cotton.

Bully: "I bet your dick is so small when you look down in the shower you can't even see it."

Guy: "No, I see your sister's head."

Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.

Your hairline is so far back, it left before your dad.

Dark Humor is like a child with cancer. It never gets old.

If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?

I don't like the word "gun".

Whenever I say it, people always get triggered.

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

Lol. It was just a prank, bro.

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.

My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."

So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.

How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.

How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."