IT jokes
One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!
How many children does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw.
A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."
How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!
I have a fish that can breakdance only for 20 seconds, and he can only do it once.
Why can't America play chess?
Because it lost two towers.
"I work with animals," the man said to his date.
His date said, "I love a man who works with animals. What job is it for the animal?"
"I am a butcher," said the man.
So, a guy and his brother were walking in the woods, and his brother said, "It's getting dark out here, can we go home?"
The man said, "I know, think how I will feel walking home tonight!"
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm getting over it.
Why is it annoying to eat by basketball players? Because they dribble all the time!
Why did Monaco cross the road? It smashed a 1-mile radius of the road + the chicken.
When younger girls say, "I want my period, or it will not be bad."
*eating chocolate in bed crying* My face at them when they say that. 🤣🙄😵
Them: "I got my period." *them hurting*. Me: "Told ya."
What would Earth say if it had a boyfriend?
You need to com-it.
Do you know how a snail has a "nail," why can't it be a nut?
Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."
Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.
Joseph: No, they don't.
Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.
Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.
When the school shooter enters the classroom and it's the quiet kid's dad.
Once Jimmy was minding his own business, then he hears his mom come home. He asked, "Where have you been?" She replied with, "I was at work," yet he knew his mom did not have work. So the next day, while heading to school, he gets a phone call saying his mom is pregnant, and they want to try their device, and they need the baby's dad to say if it's alright.
Billy: *spits out food*
Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.
Dad: *looks at mom*
Mom: Shut up.
If you get it, you get it.