If jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue, and if you're my friend, I'll be there till the end.

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

Your hairline is so far back that if you were a backbencher in class and I was a germ sitting on it, I would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated in front of the class.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

Went home with a woman last night. I was greeted at the door by a Mongrel.

I say Mongrel, it was her Down syndrome son trying to process if I was a stranger or not.

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    • An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

    A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

    A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

    Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

    One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

    He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

    So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

    If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard gunshots, he probably would’ve thought it was the ice cream truck.

    If Kamala Harris is Indian, why doesn’t she have that dot on her head?

    So she claims to be.

    And the only black color I know is when you shut off the lights.

    If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.