If jokes

What animal howls at the moon and eats cement?

If you guessed wolf, you're right! I threw in the cement to make it hard.

If you make jokes about SH, you're not funny, and if you do, I'm gonna assume you're some 12-year-old who wants to be an edge lord. I don't really care if people get pressed.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

If you have a girlfriend/crush that's shorter than you, go up to her and say, "You're short, lemme add some inches."

A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

“I still don’t get it,” responded Little Johnny.

“Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.

“Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny, and went off to bed.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother shit in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad fucking his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is fucking the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

If gravity pulls things down at 9.8 m/s squared, why did the emo kid not come down?

If you're taking notes in history class, aren't you just rewriting history?

Orphan: "I get all the A pluses and y'all bad!"

And then I told him: "If you feel so special, try telling your parents. You can't, can you?"

If you take an emo kid grocery shopping.

You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

Stop sign: If you speed, I'll call your parents.

Orphans: Going 180.

Milk makes you tall, right?

Well how did you get tall if your dad didn't come back with the milk?

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

If Opposition Expunged thought he was an animal, what would Thearchy be called?

Therianarchy!

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

What happens if you put your hand in glue? Your hand will stay there forever! I'm joking, hahaha!

If I throw a paper airplane at two twins, did I cause 9/11?

If 6 was afraid of 7 because 7-8-9, then why was 10 afraid?

'Cause it was right in the middle of 9/11.

If you're an orphan, it must be pretty hard taking "your mom" jokes.

An orphan is at a barbecue and is getting food. A man asks him if he wants steak or phan I ment ham.