Ides Jokes

I'd rate the food in Afghanistan a 9/11. That shit was bomb.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

What do emo kids like to smoke?

"Marjuanakillmyself."

Yo mama is so ugly that when she went through a face ID, it didn't think she was human.

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

An Asian student was learning logarithm in class. He wrote down his name after the question. The teacher asked why. He replied, "My class ID is number 1."

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

I'd tell a joke about how my mom was abusive, but I either forgot everything, or she just wasn't there.

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he is just Dav.

Are you Jeffrey Dahmer? Because I'd love you to eat me.

What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?

"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.

You're so poor, if I ever broke into your house, I'd give you things.

If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.