How do you know when a football player has been to jail?
When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.
How do you spot a blind man in a nudist resort?
It's not hard.
I asked my brother who is autistic how he found his gf. He said on a special website.
How do computers get drunk?
They take a screenshot.
Why do orphans suck at GTA? Because they don't know how to be wanted.
How do you tell the difference between a girl spaghetti and a boy spaghetti?
Meatballs.
Sup guys, how are you?
How do people get skinny?
Their parents don't feed them. (JOKE)
How do you scare a lot of people in New York?
Open a mobile hotspot named "Delta Inflight Wifi."
This guy came into my library a year ago and borrowed a book named "How to Commit Suicide." He never returned it.
You know how there were like... two towers. I had so much fun playing Jenga in those planes! I WON!!!!!
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
How do you make Prince Andrew sad? You tell him you're over 16.
How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
How do paedophiles greet people?
"How are you, kid?"
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
How do you know when it's bedtime in the Netherlands?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"
Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"
Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.
