Hows jokes
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Somebody threw an EMP at him.
There was this guy who asked a girl how much her hand jobs are. "$25k." How much are your blowjobs? "$50k." How much do you charge to have sex on the street? REPLY: "I would if I had a pussy."
At the back of Abraham Lincoln's mind, next to the bullet hole, he was thinking about how slavery is wrong.
Does your shoe have a hole in it?
No.
Then how did you put your foot in it?
How can you make a orphans hand bleed?
Real them to clap until there parent come home.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He ran out of battery life.
My friend said to me, "How do you spell Tom?" and I said, "T-O-M-M." He said, "That's not how you spell 'it's Tom.' You have to take out one 'M'."
So I said, "But which one?"
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
How do you call a cop?
Through the phone.
(My puns are bad)
I like my women how I like my fridge.
In the kitchen.
A cowboy rides into a ranch on Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is this possible?
How does an Indian open his car?
"Boot, boot!" (in an Indian accent)
How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball and told her to “read this book”.
How do you die from Alzheimer's? You forget how to breathe.
How did Stephen Hawking die? His wife needed to charge her iPhone.
How many cats are in the human body?
None, unless you're Asian.
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
There are 30 cows in a field, 28 chickens. How many didn't?
A - 10
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.