Hows jokes
How did Aby get away from Mr. Ryan in Iran? He ran!
I left Iran. Guess how? I ran!
A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."
How did Stephen Hawking make it up the stairway to heaven?
Well, he didn’t; they invented an elevator.
How did Stephen Hawking please his woman? He uses a hard drive.
How to kill a blond: put a scratch & sniff in a pool.
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
How do oysters call their friends?
On shell phones!
How do you confuse a fish?
Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!
I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.
How does Stephen Hawking get clean?
He uses Tesco car wash.
A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Someone pulled his ethernet cable (he died of a blue screen)!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, How many bananas can I fit, Maybe two?
How's it going @#$!
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!
How do inmates keep in touch?
They have cell phones.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).
The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).
The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)
The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)
The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!
The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)
The teen: QUAL (WHICH).
The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).
The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).
*A phone buzzes.*
The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?
Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?
*Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*
The teen: HAIR GEL
To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.