Hows jokes
Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house?
A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.
*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...
Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.
How did Steven Hawking die?
He blew a fuse doing an update.
Sally jumped out a plane, she forgot her parachute!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally...
How did she die?
A bomb came down whilst falling through the sky.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A bomb.
Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?
A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.
I've always wondered how it would feel to put Hellen Keller in a room full of doorknobs... but no doors.
How do spiders reach the internet?
Through the World Wide Web!
How do you know someone is fucking dumb?
They put jokes that have been used several times already.
How did Aby get away from Mr. Ryan in Iran? He ran!
I left Iran. Guess how? I ran!
A girl comes up to her dad and says, "Can I borrow the car tonight? I want to go to this party." Dad says, "If you give a head job..." The girl says, "You're my dad! How can you say that?" Dad says, "If you want the car..." The girl thinks, "Okay." She starts. Dad says, "That tastes like sh*t." Dad: "Yeah, your brother wanted the car this morning."
How did Stephen Hawking make it up the stairway to heaven?
Well, he didn’t; they invented an elevator.
How did Stephen Hawking please his woman? He uses a hard drive.
How to kill a blond: put a scratch & sniff in a pool.
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
How do oysters call their friends?
On shell phones!
How do you confuse a fish?
Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!