Howe jokes
"Wubba Lubba Dub Dub" is one way to describe how my inner child acts, but yesterday I killed them. Now I hear "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub," I’m drowning in the tub.
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they are all crying in a dark corner.
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.
He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.
How did Michael Jackson challenge the victim's parents? "Then why won't you slap my face, because I'm bad?"
Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
These two guys were texting each other.
Guy 1: How are you?
Guy 2: I’m great. The weather is lovely here. Guy 2: *sends picture of a flying spring*
Guy 1: ???
Guy 2: Springs in the air. :)
Q: How do you know it's time for bed at the Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Kid: "Dark humor is like a mother's love."
Orphan: "How?"
Kid: "You wouldn't know."
Orphan: "........."
How do you get a million fowl?
You run through Africa with a bullet of water.
How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
Yo mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma's so fat, she doesn't know how to play bacon.
Why don't orphans know how to play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true.
How can you tell if a man is straight? You don't have to, he will tell you.
How many heterosexual men does it take to change a lightbulb in heaven?
Both of them.
Q: How do you fit 4 gay men on a bar stool?
A: Flip the chair upside down.