How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.
Texter 2: How?
Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.
"How would you describe a really bad skeleton?"
"Bad to the bone!" (Or "Rotten to the bone" if you want.)
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
How do you know you’re ugly? If you always get handed the camera for group photos.
How do you piss off a disabled person?
You put the cookie on the other shoulder.
Yo mama was so dumb, he didn't know how to turn on his computer.
Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!
Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
How do you know someone has Down syndrome?
They're doing better than you.
We got Spider-Man Homecoming, Spider-Man Far from Home, then Spider-Man No Way Home, considering society’s current state and how shitty 2023 is, the next movie is probably gonna be Spider-Man Homosexual.
How do you blindfold a woman?
Put a windshield in front of them.
Crying babies are like parties. No matter how many times you try to end it, it keeps going.
How much do 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton.
I had a great day today because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table, and the teacher screamed, "Allison, how would you like it if I banged you on the table?"
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
"How do you make 7 even?" "Take away the s."
How do you stop a baby from crying? You drown it.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
